You can never rely on a horse educated by fear; there is always something he fears more than you. But, when he trusts you, he will do what you ask even when he is afraid.
Antoine de Pluvinel (16th century)
The Matching Steps Approach: A Different Way Forward
We saw in Part One that traditional join-up methods might not be producing the cooperative relationships we aim to achieve. So, now what? Is it possible to foster genuine connection by honoring the horse's nervous system and giving them authentic choices? Enter the Matching Steps method—a way of building relationships that feels as good to create as it does to experience.
In my book, In It for the Horses, A Journey from Whips to Whispers, I relay how my Arabian mare, Jalila, taught me to leave agendas at the gate and approach, not with demands, but with the simple goal of listening and tuning into a horse’s current state of mind.
An effective way to do this is to get curious about learning to read their inner state and mirror it instead of creating pressure to force a choice. This is the essence of the Matching Steps approach—a method that prioritizes synchronization over control and allows genuine connection to emerge organically through what scientists call co-regulation. For me, no experience in traditional horse handling compares to the feeling of emotional mirroring. It resembles the state of flow called “being in the zone,” but it’s totally heart-centered and only happens when horse and human are in a state of mutual trust and respect.
Signs Your Horse is Mirroring You Emotionally:
Starting with Co-Regulation
Simply put, co-regulation meets, or “joins,” the horse where they are rather than asking them to adjust their emotional state while dealing with our agendas. If they're alert and tense, we acknowledge that alertness in our own body without demanding they relax. An apt teaching from classical dressage is the principle: You can’t force relaxation. On the other hand, if the horses is calm and sleepy, we soften our energy to match theirs. By doing this, we become partners in finding balance rather than “leaders” demanding a specific response.
Interestingly, this method calms both nervous systems, which is especially helpful for inexperienced or insecure handlers whose uncertainty creates a cycle of tension that fosters those emotions in the horse. The phenomenon of negative mirroring is widely recognized within the horse world, though not always identified by that term. When a horse is free to express its true feelings without pressure to conform, a sense of connection and shared calm arises.
The Art of Following First
Traditional join up asks us to direct the horse's movement until they choose to follow us. Matching Steps flips this approach—we begin by following them. We mirror their walking pace and match their head height. We show them, by mirroring their emotional state in our bodies, that we're paying attention to and honoring who they are right now. Mind you, this can be challenging. On days my mare is excited to go out for a walk, she prances and often breaks into a trot. No way can I keep up with her. That’s why I use a light, twenty-five foot longline rather than a lead rope. I can honor her exuberance, allowing her to “rush ahead,” by letting the line I keep walking while gently guiding her on a circle until she settles and returns to my side so we can proceed to the road. If I were to snap the line against her nose or raise my voice, I would shift her exuberant energy to anxiety and completely miss the point.
That said, this isn't about being passive or allowing displays of bad manners. Instead, it's about building trust through understanding. If a horse feels understood, they will settle and become curious about the human who understands them. In this way, leadership emerges from a foundation of mutual respect rather than from a place of control.
Tuning Into Two Nervous Systems
Perhaps most importantly, matching steps requires us to develop an awareness of both the state of horse's nervous system and our own. Are we both calm and socially engaged so learning and connection are possible? Or is one of us (or both) operating from a place of tension, defensiveness, or lack of participation?
Let’s Match Steps!
Starting Your Session
Before you even approach your horse, take a moment to assess your own state. Are you rushing from other activities? Carrying tension from your day? Your horse will mirror whatever energy you bring, so begin by settling yourself first. Take several deep breaths and consciously soften your body language.
Physical Mirroring in Practice
Begin by observing the horse's natural walking pace and rhythm, then match it—not asking them to adjust to you but adjusting yourself to them. Mirror their head height and body posture as well; if they're carrying their head low and relaxed, soften your own posture accordingly. When they change direction, follow rather than pulling on the lead, using your body language to acknowledge their choices.
A word of caution about synchronization: matching the horse's rhythm is essential but avoid becoming so focused on perfect step-by-step coordination—like ensuring your right leg moves with theirs—that you lose sight of the bigger picture. I've found that obsessing over precise leg synchronization can work against the goal, causing me to hop awkwardly mid-stride or break rhythm to force that perfect match. Instead, focus on the overall flow and unity of movement. The horse feels your intention to connect far more than they notice whether your feet are perfectly coordinated. Let the synchronization happen naturally rather than mechanically forcing it.
My fascination with art and history adds another layer of observation. Of course, my love of horses draws me to paintings of horses and this detail from a painting by Géo Bernier, (Belgian) called “The Horse Fair” c. 1900, naturally caught my eye just last week at a museum. Notice the synchronization of the steps in the men and the horses they lead.
Antoine de Pluvinel (16th century)
The Matching Steps Approach: A Different Way Forward
We saw in Part One that traditional join-up methods might not be producing the cooperative relationships we aim to achieve. So, now what? Is it possible to foster genuine connection by honoring the horse's nervous system and giving them authentic choices? Enter the Matching Steps method—a way of building relationships that feels as good to create as it does to experience.
In my book, In It for the Horses, A Journey from Whips to Whispers, I relay how my Arabian mare, Jalila, taught me to leave agendas at the gate and approach, not with demands, but with the simple goal of listening and tuning into a horse’s current state of mind.
An effective way to do this is to get curious about learning to read their inner state and mirror it instead of creating pressure to force a choice. This is the essence of the Matching Steps approach—a method that prioritizes synchronization over control and allows genuine connection to emerge organically through what scientists call co-regulation. For me, no experience in traditional horse handling compares to the feeling of emotional mirroring. It resembles the state of flow called “being in the zone,” but it’s totally heart-centered and only happens when horse and human are in a state of mutual trust and respect.
Signs Your Horse is Mirroring You Emotionally:
- Synchronization: Matching your movement rhythm
- Shared relaxation: Becoming more relaxed in each other’s presence
- Seeking comfort: Your horse comes to you when stressed or uncertain
Starting with Co-Regulation
Simply put, co-regulation meets, or “joins,” the horse where they are rather than asking them to adjust their emotional state while dealing with our agendas. If they're alert and tense, we acknowledge that alertness in our own body without demanding they relax. An apt teaching from classical dressage is the principle: You can’t force relaxation. On the other hand, if the horses is calm and sleepy, we soften our energy to match theirs. By doing this, we become partners in finding balance rather than “leaders” demanding a specific response.
Interestingly, this method calms both nervous systems, which is especially helpful for inexperienced or insecure handlers whose uncertainty creates a cycle of tension that fosters those emotions in the horse. The phenomenon of negative mirroring is widely recognized within the horse world, though not always identified by that term. When a horse is free to express its true feelings without pressure to conform, a sense of connection and shared calm arises.
The Art of Following First
Traditional join up asks us to direct the horse's movement until they choose to follow us. Matching Steps flips this approach—we begin by following them. We mirror their walking pace and match their head height. We show them, by mirroring their emotional state in our bodies, that we're paying attention to and honoring who they are right now. Mind you, this can be challenging. On days my mare is excited to go out for a walk, she prances and often breaks into a trot. No way can I keep up with her. That’s why I use a light, twenty-five foot longline rather than a lead rope. I can honor her exuberance, allowing her to “rush ahead,” by letting the line I keep walking while gently guiding her on a circle until she settles and returns to my side so we can proceed to the road. If I were to snap the line against her nose or raise my voice, I would shift her exuberant energy to anxiety and completely miss the point.
That said, this isn't about being passive or allowing displays of bad manners. Instead, it's about building trust through understanding. If a horse feels understood, they will settle and become curious about the human who understands them. In this way, leadership emerges from a foundation of mutual respect rather than from a place of control.
Tuning Into Two Nervous Systems
Perhaps most importantly, matching steps requires us to develop an awareness of both the state of horse's nervous system and our own. Are we both calm and socially engaged so learning and connection are possible? Or is one of us (or both) operating from a place of tension, defensiveness, or lack of participation?
Let’s Match Steps!
Starting Your Session
Before you even approach your horse, take a moment to assess your own state. Are you rushing from other activities? Carrying tension from your day? Your horse will mirror whatever energy you bring, so begin by settling yourself first. Take several deep breaths and consciously soften your body language.
Physical Mirroring in Practice
Begin by observing the horse's natural walking pace and rhythm, then match it—not asking them to adjust to you but adjusting yourself to them. Mirror their head height and body posture as well; if they're carrying their head low and relaxed, soften your own posture accordingly. When they change direction, follow rather than pulling on the lead, using your body language to acknowledge their choices.
A word of caution about synchronization: matching the horse's rhythm is essential but avoid becoming so focused on perfect step-by-step coordination—like ensuring your right leg moves with theirs—that you lose sight of the bigger picture. I've found that obsessing over precise leg synchronization can work against the goal, causing me to hop awkwardly mid-stride or break rhythm to force that perfect match. Instead, focus on the overall flow and unity of movement. The horse feels your intention to connect far more than they notice whether your feet are perfectly coordinated. Let the synchronization happen naturally rather than mechanically forcing it.
My fascination with art and history adds another layer of observation. Of course, my love of horses draws me to paintings of horses and this detail from a painting by Géo Bernier, (Belgian) called “The Horse Fair” c. 1900, naturally caught my eye just last week at a museum. Notice the synchronization of the steps in the men and the horses they lead.
Spatial Awareness: Honoring Boundaries
Determine the distance your horse finds comfortable and honor that boundary, even if it feels farther away than you'd prefer. Allow them complete freedom to approach when they feel drawn to connection and to retreat when they need space. Pay careful attention to their comfort zones and show your trustworthiness by respecting these boundaries.
The best example I can share comes from walking out on roads and through fields with my mare. I've learned to read her shifting levels of confidence throughout our outings, and it's fascinating to observe how she communicates her emotional state through positioning. When things feel "just fine" to her, she walks alongside me with her cheek by my shoulder—a companionable, relaxed position. If she's feeling insecure or reluctant about the walk she'll lag, seeking the comfort of having me lead.
Conversely, when she's feeling confident and eager to explore her surroundings, she positions me at her shoulder or even back by her girth area, confidently leading the way. Interestingly, her confidence doesn't correlate with speed—she might move slowly while still taking the lead position. If I accidentally creep forward out of my assigned position, she'll flatten her ears and swing her head around to tell me to get back where I belong.
When she first did this, my initial reaction was, "Oh no! You don't threaten me." But remembering my days ponying polo ponies, I recognized this action as clear communication, not a threat. Having established the spatial relationship that feels right to her in that moment, she views my repositioning as an insult—in this instance, my job is to listen and respect her preference.
True partnership with horses doesn't require round pens, pressure, or manufactured choices. Connection blooms when we learn to listen, mirror, and honor what our horses are telling us, as shown in the images accompanying this post's slideshow. Matching Steps fosters relationships based on authentic understanding; it's about joining your horse in a shared dance, not dictating the steps.
I hope you have fun with this process. I know your horse will, and before you go, download your free Field Guide: Recognizing Genuine Connection vs. Compliance PDF to use while watching training videos or working with your own horse. Use it to hone your observations skills and be sure to share any insights this post, the PDF, or your own experiences bring in the comments.
Determine the distance your horse finds comfortable and honor that boundary, even if it feels farther away than you'd prefer. Allow them complete freedom to approach when they feel drawn to connection and to retreat when they need space. Pay careful attention to their comfort zones and show your trustworthiness by respecting these boundaries.
The best example I can share comes from walking out on roads and through fields with my mare. I've learned to read her shifting levels of confidence throughout our outings, and it's fascinating to observe how she communicates her emotional state through positioning. When things feel "just fine" to her, she walks alongside me with her cheek by my shoulder—a companionable, relaxed position. If she's feeling insecure or reluctant about the walk she'll lag, seeking the comfort of having me lead.
Conversely, when she's feeling confident and eager to explore her surroundings, she positions me at her shoulder or even back by her girth area, confidently leading the way. Interestingly, her confidence doesn't correlate with speed—she might move slowly while still taking the lead position. If I accidentally creep forward out of my assigned position, she'll flatten her ears and swing her head around to tell me to get back where I belong.
When she first did this, my initial reaction was, "Oh no! You don't threaten me." But remembering my days ponying polo ponies, I recognized this action as clear communication, not a threat. Having established the spatial relationship that feels right to her in that moment, she views my repositioning as an insult—in this instance, my job is to listen and respect her preference.
True partnership with horses doesn't require round pens, pressure, or manufactured choices. Connection blooms when we learn to listen, mirror, and honor what our horses are telling us, as shown in the images accompanying this post's slideshow. Matching Steps fosters relationships based on authentic understanding; it's about joining your horse in a shared dance, not dictating the steps.
I hope you have fun with this process. I know your horse will, and before you go, download your free Field Guide: Recognizing Genuine Connection vs. Compliance PDF to use while watching training videos or working with your own horse. Use it to hone your observations skills and be sure to share any insights this post, the PDF, or your own experiences bring in the comments.
| field_guide_connection_vs._compliance.pdf |
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